Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v ST.MADMEN
"Five to win, baby
Win all five
And no Huns here get out alive."
- Jim Morrison, The Doors, 'Five To One'.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
You fucking tell him, Joe... Highlight of the first-half
as the MIB gets an earful, then backs off shiteing it
as Joe swings a punch.
Wind like that is the goalkeeper's natural enemy and
he did well to be precise with every decision, hand
or foot.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Probably our poorest today, though run close by Yang;
Greggs suffering from the later kick-off time after
early shift at the bakery was troubled with distribution
and touch letting him down. Battled through it as ever,
though.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 8.5/10 MOTM
The polar opposite of his contemporary at full-back.
Might have been AJ's best game of the season as he
remained stoic and aggressive against the wind.
Smuggled the ball back to lay on Reo, crisp and
sweet cross to set up Kyogo; every time he overlapped
you felt the stage was set - deliveries were terrific.
Tapping a vein of form at last, bang in time for the
big finish?
APOLLO CREED - 6.5/10
That's more like it - a centre back looking and playing
like an irritated hired assassin. From the moment he
wiped out the big lasagne up front, you realised what
we were missing last Sunday for the closing spell.
No-nonsense smart defending that gives opponents pause
for thought about their own wellbeing.
Liam's been great all season, but in order to put away
the garbage with minimum fuss and slam the blaggard
Huns back into mediocrity, I favour the slightly
unhinged presence of the psychotic Pole for the last
five games.
GET CARTER - 8/10
Superb captain for the day - kept his heid in the swirl,
rolled physical threats, positioned and focussed like a
boss; THE boss. Pray he stays fit, and we'll rampage
towards the title.
TONIO IWATAO - 6/10
Quietly competent; the way you like your DMs to be.
With the unsettling possibilities thrown up with
the wind, his assured and determined presence was
necessary to hold it together, particularly in the
anxious moments of the opening 45.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
After playing out of his skin pished at Mordor thanks
to the hospitality Mad Dug some kindly orc tossed to
him in celebration of his Panenka, I wondered if he
could replicate that again, sober.
Needn't have been concerned - even in the anti-football
bluster Matty had his winning hustle back, his talent
wrangled like a Yellowstone steer and driving our
attacking surges.
Positional play and timing were terrific as he popped
up in the midst of our attacks, finding killer pockets
of space.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
The class is back, class. Pay attention.
After the blow-football first 45 passed him by,
Reo got his rhythm early after the break and his
dancing feet produced a finish from the 1970/80s'
World Cup finals that'd draw a breath of admiration
from Socrates, Rivelino, Zico, et al.
Looks like he's revving up to crown a miserable
personal season staggered by injury with a
game-changing crescendo.
YING - 5.5/10
Ah, not quite. Tell you what, though - he's game for it,
if a bit raw at times. Took a nasty head dunt but was back
for more and almost a hero.
The concussion played it's part as he mistook an open goal
for Masters highlights and had a practice swing, whilst at
the same moment trying to kick the heid off the Taipan snake
whipping around at his feet that turned out to be rogue
ticker-tape.
Last seen in the dugout trying to teach Kyogo some Russian
gags for his role as best man when Yang marries Countess
Natalya Ilyinichna Rostova in chapter four hundred of War
And Peace.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
The title is in his boots. Well, today it was in his heid.
Service him, he will deliver it.
Muad'Dib.
As written.
TAKINTE - 6.5/10
After being overwhelmed by the sheer fucking depravity and
grotesqueries surrounding him last Sunday, it was a minor
miracle that club psychiatrist, Dr. Fenian Freud, was able
to subvert the jungvolk prodigy's PTSD and have him tuned
for today.
Most definitely he was in tandem with AJ as one of our
stand-outs during that difficult first half, looking agile
and sharp. Faded after the interval, but a decent outing,
lacking only a final ball to have been sometihng more
special.
SUBS -
DUNCAN IDAHO - 7/10
Almost a winning legendary Hunskelper, but once more
in the right spot late-on to triple-tap the Paisley mafiosa
and seal the points.
SAINT BERNARDO - N/A
Came on with Mike Reid's catchphrase ringing in his
ears... Runaround now!
CALMAC - N/A
A traumatic apperance last weekend got the antidote
today - touble-free minutes in his recuperation.
BRIAN DE - N/A
Give us a goal! Damn! A rare sighting of mercurial
Honduran. More to come?
JAMESY - N/A
'Another dynamic few minutes. What's your secret,
Jamesy?'
"Eh, just thinkin' Ah can score every time."
'And what about that near miss?'
"Nae idea. Don't remember her.
Eh, you talkin' aboot the football?"
RAQUEL - N/A
Two fine aerial knock-downs, one attacking
and one defensive defined this cameo.
Her skillful use of the head was always something
I'd - *cough* -wonder about when watching
'1 Million Years B.C' But they didn't have football
back then, so...
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
After slagging me in the main page replies
last week, it was good to see Brendan took
less to heart and more to heed as the way
the defence started this week was the way
it should have finished last week...lol.
His job was to maintain and realign focus
for the final flourish, to take positives
from last Sunday's slippage and programme
the title-wining algorithm in the players'
mainframe.
Tricky game to navigate due to opponents'
solidity, having their season of the century,
and the turbulence within paradise. On and
off the field.
But the set-up was right, the gameplan
adhered to and executed as well as he could
have possibly expected, relatively speaking.
His title-winning trick is now to replicate
that five more times.
MIBBERY - 4/10
Not once did he go to VAR today. Because
he'd used up his entire season's allocation
of goat-fucker tokens working devilment on
it last sabbath to manufacture a Hun penalty.
Nothing new there. Nor his refusal to book
fainting hulks for blatant dives; "Boy was
just 'daein a Silva'..."
Also seemed to exist partially in a different
space-time continuum as we got 7 minutes
total injurytime for 27 minutes total time-wasting.
Gotta keep that fenian goal-difference
down...
OVERALL - 8/10
I was disappointed. I was right next in line
for a substitution, tying my laces as we
threw everybody on bar I Am Maximus because
it was knackered after winning the Grand
National in the hoops.
As for the game, the conditions certainly
held sway for large parts. The opening exchanges
were tense and cautious after clearing Dorothy
and Toto of the pitch prior to kick-off, and
Kyogo getting terrified by the Wicked Witch
Of The East. The innovative 3-D full-pitch
tifo kept playing havoc right up until Yang
mangled the last streamer on the 6 yard box.
But the Bhoys settled well into the second-half
and nailed the occasion perfectly with clinical,
surgical strikes at the perfect moments to dampen
St.Madmen's ardour and ensure the Huns felt the
cold breath of heelan' failure creeping around
their baws in bed tonight.
Five to go. Five wins is all we ask. Not easy,
but well within these Bhoys' remit.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Five to win, baby
Win all five
And no Huns here get out alive."
- Jim Morrison, The Doors, 'Five To One'.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
You fucking tell him, Joe... Highlight of the first-half
as the MIB gets an earful, then backs off shiteing it
as Joe swings a punch.
Wind like that is the goalkeeper's natural enemy and
he did well to be precise with every decision, hand
or foot.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5.5/10
Probably our poorest today, though run close by Yang;
Greggs suffering from the later kick-off time after
early shift at the bakery was troubled with distribution
and touch letting him down. Battled through it as ever,
though.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 8.5/10 MOTM
The polar opposite of his contemporary at full-back.
Might have been AJ's best game of the season as he
remained stoic and aggressive against the wind.
Smuggled the ball back to lay on Reo, crisp and
sweet cross to set up Kyogo; every time he overlapped
you felt the stage was set - deliveries were terrific.
Tapping a vein of form at last, bang in time for the
big finish?
APOLLO CREED - 6.5/10
That's more like it - a centre back looking and playing
like an irritated hired assassin. From the moment he
wiped out the big lasagne up front, you realised what
we were missing last Sunday for the closing spell.
No-nonsense smart defending that gives opponents pause
for thought about their own wellbeing.
Liam's been great all season, but in order to put away
the garbage with minimum fuss and slam the blaggard
Huns back into mediocrity, I favour the slightly
unhinged presence of the psychotic Pole for the last
five games.
GET CARTER - 8/10
Superb captain for the day - kept his heid in the swirl,
rolled physical threats, positioned and focussed like a
boss; THE boss. Pray he stays fit, and we'll rampage
towards the title.
TONIO IWATAO - 6/10
Quietly competent; the way you like your DMs to be.
With the unsettling possibilities thrown up with
the wind, his assured and determined presence was
necessary to hold it together, particularly in the
anxious moments of the opening 45.
THE BUILDER - 7.5/10
After playing out of his skin pished at Mordor thanks
to the hospitality Mad Dug some kindly orc tossed to
him in celebration of his Panenka, I wondered if he
could replicate that again, sober.
Needn't have been concerned - even in the anti-football
bluster Matty had his winning hustle back, his talent
wrangled like a Yellowstone steer and driving our
attacking surges.
Positional play and timing were terrific as he popped
up in the midst of our attacks, finding killer pockets
of space.
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
The class is back, class. Pay attention.
After the blow-football first 45 passed him by,
Reo got his rhythm early after the break and his
dancing feet produced a finish from the 1970/80s'
World Cup finals that'd draw a breath of admiration
from Socrates, Rivelino, Zico, et al.
Looks like he's revving up to crown a miserable
personal season staggered by injury with a
game-changing crescendo.
YING - 5.5/10
Ah, not quite. Tell you what, though - he's game for it,
if a bit raw at times. Took a nasty head dunt but was back
for more and almost a hero.
The concussion played it's part as he mistook an open goal
for Masters highlights and had a practice swing, whilst at
the same moment trying to kick the heid off the Taipan snake
whipping around at his feet that turned out to be rogue
ticker-tape.
Last seen in the dugout trying to teach Kyogo some Russian
gags for his role as best man when Yang marries Countess
Natalya Ilyinichna Rostova in chapter four hundred of War
And Peace.
KILLER MUSHROOM - 6.5/10
The title is in his boots. Well, today it was in his heid.
Service him, he will deliver it.
Muad'Dib.
As written.
TAKINTE - 6.5/10
After being overwhelmed by the sheer fucking depravity and
grotesqueries surrounding him last Sunday, it was a minor
miracle that club psychiatrist, Dr. Fenian Freud, was able
to subvert the jungvolk prodigy's PTSD and have him tuned
for today.
Most definitely he was in tandem with AJ as one of our
stand-outs during that difficult first half, looking agile
and sharp. Faded after the interval, but a decent outing,
lacking only a final ball to have been sometihng more
special.
SUBS -
DUNCAN IDAHO - 7/10
Almost a winning legendary Hunskelper, but once more
in the right spot late-on to triple-tap the Paisley mafiosa
and seal the points.
SAINT BERNARDO - N/A
Came on with Mike Reid's catchphrase ringing in his
ears... Runaround now!
CALMAC - N/A
A traumatic apperance last weekend got the antidote
today - touble-free minutes in his recuperation.
BRIAN DE - N/A
Give us a goal! Damn! A rare sighting of mercurial
Honduran. More to come?
JAMESY - N/A
'Another dynamic few minutes. What's your secret,
Jamesy?'
"Eh, just thinkin' Ah can score every time."
'And what about that near miss?'
"Nae idea. Don't remember her.
Eh, you talkin' aboot the football?"
RAQUEL - N/A
Two fine aerial knock-downs, one attacking
and one defensive defined this cameo.
Her skillful use of the head was always something
I'd - *cough* -wonder about when watching
'1 Million Years B.C' But they didn't have football
back then, so...
THE SHNAKE - 7.5/10
After slagging me in the main page replies
last week, it was good to see Brendan took
less to heart and more to heed as the way
the defence started this week was the way
it should have finished last week...lol.
His job was to maintain and realign focus
for the final flourish, to take positives
from last Sunday's slippage and programme
the title-wining algorithm in the players'
mainframe.
Tricky game to navigate due to opponents'
solidity, having their season of the century,
and the turbulence within paradise. On and
off the field.
But the set-up was right, the gameplan
adhered to and executed as well as he could
have possibly expected, relatively speaking.
His title-winning trick is now to replicate
that five more times.
MIBBERY - 4/10
Not once did he go to VAR today. Because
he'd used up his entire season's allocation
of goat-fucker tokens working devilment on
it last sabbath to manufacture a Hun penalty.
Nothing new there. Nor his refusal to book
fainting hulks for blatant dives; "Boy was
just 'daein a Silva'..."
Also seemed to exist partially in a different
space-time continuum as we got 7 minutes
total injurytime for 27 minutes total time-wasting.
Gotta keep that fenian goal-difference
down...
OVERALL - 8/10
I was disappointed. I was right next in line
for a substitution, tying my laces as we
threw everybody on bar I Am Maximus because
it was knackered after winning the Grand
National in the hoops.
As for the game, the conditions certainly
held sway for large parts. The opening exchanges
were tense and cautious after clearing Dorothy
and Toto of the pitch prior to kick-off, and
Kyogo getting terrified by the Wicked Witch
Of The East. The innovative 3-D full-pitch
tifo kept playing havoc right up until Yang
mangled the last streamer on the 6 yard box.
But the Bhoys settled well into the second-half
and nailed the occasion perfectly with clinical,
surgical strikes at the perfect moments to dampen
St.Madmen's ardour and ensure the Huns felt the
cold breath of heelan' failure creeping around
their baws in bed tonight.
Five to go. Five wins is all we ask. Not easy,
but well within these Bhoys' remit.
Go Away Now
Sandman
