Celtic Tranfer Operations Room, (as it doesn’t happen)

Had the pleasure to meet himself,was guest speaker at are supporters club function over here in belfast,a truly great man,had a good yarn with him and came away from it feeling like you had known him forever;can honestly say in my lifetime hes one of the only celtic players i personally think would of played for celtic for nothing

He practically did. I also met him, great guy and a hero of mine.
 
Meanwhile back in the hub of inactivity.

The beleaguered and confused have been burning the midnight oil. This isn’t a metaphor for working late, Lawell had switched off the electricity and they were using oil lamps Lawell had brought from his home, that he gave to his wife whenever he was going away on trips abroad.

He didn’t leave a coat to keep warm though, as he had still four payments to make to Kay’s Catalogue for his wife’s Christmas present.

Jimmy surveyed the pitiful scene in front of him. How he wished Lawell had left the Jammy Dodgers, as he could have eaten a pickled elephant in between two double mattresses.

In front of him, he can see Allie in conversation with a mumbled, laughing voice on the phone. It was a club considering a £250k offer for their Star right back. It didn’t sound as if they were too keen. At precisely 7.45 the lights came on and in walked Lawell, smelling of rolls and sausage. He moved to the lamps, scarcely noticing the staff and blew out the flames. He lifted them, put them one by one to his ear and shook them to hear how much oil was left in each.

“Jesus Christ lads, these have to do my family for their summer camping holiday in Airdrie this year. What time did you light them ffs?”

Jimmy moved toward him to drink in the aroma of Lorne sausage and if he wasn’t mistaken, brown sauce. Not HP, a Tesco own brand most likely. It made sense.

“We have had no replies to our offers I’m afraid. Alfie was in tears at one point, as he could hear people laugh at him and call him a twat in French.”

Lawell looked at him with a cold stare, held up one of the lamps, shook it and said.

“Has someone been syphoning these? I’m sure they were full. I will need to put an expenses claim in for these now. As if I’ve not got enough on my plate.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jimmy could see Tam, a usually happy guy, rocking back and forward in his chair, muttering, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

“Great News lads. I’ve just been on the blower to Dermot and he has given me the green light to up our bids by another £5k and, and, wait for this belter, a lifetimes subscription to The View. It’s all Fucking go.”

Jimmy shook his head, on the inside . He heard his mouth speak a lie.

“That should swing it Peter.”

“Fucking right it will. To the phone’s lads. To the phones! The first one to get a player, gets a bacon roll from the canteen at cost price. At they prices I’m losing money.”

“Mr Peter, we have heard that Sevco have signed Defoe and Davis, along with two others. Any news on Baywatch, I mean Bayo?”

“Don’t worry about them. They will be bust by Wednesday. As for Bayo, well, he’s on our Instagram page, so it’s looking good. Can you believe the money we have had to pay for a player I’d never heard of?

“Is he any good Mr Peter? I know we need back up.”

“He fucking better be at they prices. I had to lie down in a dark cupboard to get rid of terrible palpitations and panic wheezing.”

Jimmy left him standing there checking his own pulse. His comrades began calling the operators and asking if they would check clubs to see if they would accept a reverse call charge to speak to them.

In all the mayhem, the tapping of phones, the sighs and low sobs, Jimmy looked out of the window at Glasgow going to work. He thought about how they could get the players his beloved club needed, whilst offering low bids and complicated year long subscriptions, but mostly he thought about a Lorne sausage roll with brown sauce. This one would have HP and white pepper. Just the way he liked them.

He would see his family again. He knew that, but not today.

To be continued.
 
Picture the scene.

Fuck all is happening, as fuck all ever does, but today even less than Fuck all, is the order of the day.

Tea cups lie strewn across a table weighed down heavily, with zero expectation. Jimmy, head phoner upper to clubs who have players that haven’t kicked a baw since playing for the School, is deep in thought.

Haggis or black pudding from Toby’s chippy?

So far today he has compiled a list of players we will never buy, it passes the time.

Out of nowhere, Lawell appears and immediately starts switching off lights and counting the teabags left in the caddy.

“I only bought these in July, 2008, and it was a two for one deal, calm the fuck doon with the tea lads. Any news back from clubs willing to sell players for shrapnel?”

Of course there wasn’t, the rooms occupants, all on minimum wage recruited from Poundland, look nervously at their shoes.

Just the news in that yon guy we were never going to buy, has went elsewhere. Jimmy mumbles.

That’s the number up to 57, but, we haven’t heard back from at least 30 others who I read on a rumours page and gave them a bell.

What did they say, Peter enquiried.

Mostly, that don’t phone unless you are willing to spend money.

Bastards. Peter moves to the table and starts counting how many jammy dodgers are still in the packet. He casts an eye on worried faces for the tell tale give away of crumbs stuck to beards.
In the hallway the sound of a commotion builds and the door bursts open. Standing there is a man who looks as if he’s just seen a ghost.

That mob have accepted our offer to take Burke on loan. But we have to pay £20k a week toward his wages.

A loud shriek erupts in the room and Peter is helped into a chair.

I never thought they would agree. I never thought they would agree. He steadied himself, wiped a hanky over his sweaty top lip and moved shakily to the door. As he leaves, jimmy noticed he put the Jammy dodger packet in his pocket, on top of the loose tea bags he lifted from the caddy.

It was going to be a long day.

More later.
Genuinely laughed out loud at that, hilarious because its true.:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::LOL::LOL::LOL:(y)(y)
 
Meanwhile back in the hub of inactivity.

The beleaguered and confused have been burning the midnight oil. This isn’t a metaphor for working late, Lawell had switched off the electricity and they were using oil lamps Lawell had brought from his home, that he gave to his wife whenever he was going away on trips abroad.

He didn’t leave a coat to keep warm though, as he had still four payments to make to Kay’s Catalogue for his wife’s Christmas present.

Jimmy surveyed the pitiful scene in front of him. How he wished Lawell had left the Jammy Dodgers, as he could have eaten a pickled elephant in between two double mattresses.

In front of him, he can see Allie in conversation with a mumbled, laughing voice on the phone. It was a club considering a £250k offer for their Star right back. It didn’t sound as if they were too keen. At precisely 7.45 the lights came on and in walked Lawell, smelling of rolls and sausage. He moved to the lamps, scarcely noticing the staff and blew out the flames. He lifted them, put them one by one to his ear and shook them to hear how much oil was left in each.

“Jesus Christ lads, these have to do my family for their summer camping holiday in Airdrie this year. What time did you light them ffs?”

Jimmy moved toward him to drink in the aroma of Lorne sausage and if he wasn’t mistaken, brown sauce. Not HP, a Tesco own brand most likely. It made sense.

“We have had no replies to our offers I’m afraid. Alfie was in tears at one point, as he could hear people laugh at him and call him a twat in French.”

Lawell looked at him with a cold stare, held up one of the lamps, shook it and said.

“Has someone been syphoning these? I’m sure they were full. I will need to put an expenses claim in for these now. As if I’ve not got enough on my plate.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jimmy could see Tam, a usually happy guy, rocking back and forward in his chair, muttering, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

“Great News lads. I’ve just been on the blower to Dermot and he has given me the green light to up our bids by another £5k and, and, wait for this belter, a lifetimes subscription to The View. It’s all Fucking go.”

Jimmy shook his head, on the inside . He heard his mouth speak a lie.

“That should swing it Peter.”

“Fucking right it will. To the phone’s lads. To the phones! The first one to get a player, gets a bacon roll from the canteen at cost price. At they prices I’m losing money.”

“Mr Peter, we have heard that Sevco have signed Defoe and Davis, along with two others. Any news on Baywatch, I mean Bayo?”

“Don’t worry about them. They will be bust by Wednesday. As for Bayo, well, he’s on our Instagram page, so it’s looking good. Can you believe the money we have had to pay for a player I’d never heard of?

“Is he any good Mr Peter? I know we need back up.”

“He fucking better be at they prices. I had to lie down in a dark cupboard to get rid of terrible palpitations and panic wheezing.”

Jimmy left him standing there checking his own pulse. His comrades began calling the operators and asking if they would check clubs to see if they would accept a reverse call charge to speak to them.

In all the mayhem, the tapping of phones, the sighs and low sobs, Jimmy looked out of the window at Glasgow going to work. He thought about how they could get the players his beloved club needed, whilst offering low bids and complicated year long subscriptions, but mostly he thought about a Lorne sausage roll with brown sauce. This one would have HP and white pepper. Just the way he liked them.

He would see his family again. He knew that, but not today.

To be continued.
And again :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
“Fucking right it will. To the phone’s lads. To the phones! The first one to get a player, gets a bacon roll from the canteen at cost price. At they prices I’m losing money.”

:D
 

Members online

Latest posts

Back
Top