Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE MARTINDALE CARTEL
"Power attracts pathological personalities. It is not that
power corrupts but that it is magnetic to the corruptible."
- Frank Herbert. "Dune" 'Book Three: Scottish Referees'.
ROXIE - 7/10
Big Joe and his big toe - that's why we're still in the
cup and your cat took off its crash helmet after the final
whistle.
Thank Ghod for the Man With The Retirement Plan - big
character, bigger saves. If anyone deserves a Hampden
silverware finale to his glittering career it's this
legend.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5/10
Perhaps one of his most inconspicuous performances of
the season. Nary a run or involvement of note from a
player cut out for a game of this level where he can
get down and dirty with the type of limited footballing
gangsters he crawled his way up and out of.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7/10
Battled his way through a terrific 90; just put the
head down and went at it whistle to whistle. Was
probably the most troubling throrn in their flank until
Jamesy appeared like retro GI Joe Jesus to torment.
Would have been a glorious strike for most likely the
winner had he not been foiled by fine 'keeping.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
We need to talk about Liam - Mr.Consistent for months,
now a player screaming for a rest as staleness begins
to infest his game. Rolled, shaky, undecisive. Reboot
the ginger rebel Baresi!
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Such a lovely baller, is/was Raquel... But at times
not switched on enough nor robust enough to command
a defence. Strength and pace fazed him today; never
looked at ease, lucky to be on the winning side.
TONIO IWATAO - 6.5/10
Solid, thankfully, as problems ahead and particularly
behind had him scrambling over more ground than
normal. He's the perfect foil for the absent leader
with his DM awareness, and showed a more confident,
inventive side with a crucial role laying on Daizen's
third.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5.5/10
Struggling too, but not entirely of his making.
Being asked to fulfill the exact Corpus Christie
role Buck Rodgers had the posh bhoy play 7 or 8
years ago. Yes folks, the tactics are that old...
So the Benfica Hunbuster has to float between
sometimes non-existent lines searching for an
opening. A difficult mission; to his credit he
perseveres.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
Still awaiting the moment. Still awaiting the hero
inside to step up and dominate lesser opposition.
Again, he roved about but again he faded in and
out of a match made for his guile.
We saw plenty of class in bursts but he's capable
of bursting them at will.
TAKINTE - 6.5/10
"Somebody wake up the fucking German!"
And the shout reverberated around Lennoxtown and,
well, wide awake Khun we got.
Off-the-cuff performances by hitherto under-rated
players often pop up in cup games such as these.
Today was Nick The Naz... Nick The National Socialist's
moment to crane the necks of the support with some
startling sparky play which induced murmurrings of
approval and a nascent buzz of excitement about the
chilly stadium.
Almost written off as a dud, this was an encouraging
exhibition of ability in moments that mattered. Damn
the hamstring curse of this bedivelled season.
DUNCAN IDAHO - 4/10
Dune Part 2 is fucking spectacular. Probably the
finest cinematic experience of this century. He's
not in it. He was slain in the first one. Spoilers
there, sorry...
And our own swordmaster appeared to not be in today's
Parkheid production either. Stifled and swamped and
tangled up by their Middle-Earth Ents in central
defense, he had more trouble making contact with other
hooped shirts than Jodie Foster and intra-dimensional
civilisations pretending to be her Da... (See what I did
there 3 times in one player rating, sci-fi and fantasy
movie fans?).
Anyway, the big ghuy has maybe run out of games to
hold that number 9 position. Last week and today offer
no more than a big English Championship unit, with a
known, proven Eastern assassin waiting patiently in the
shadows.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10 MOTM
Daizen is happy. Daizen has hair now. From cueball to fuzzball
and he's never smiled so much. Staring in that dressing room
mirror for an hour before the game firing himself up - 'Yes,
follicles grow! Yes, I believe! Yes, I can be Chewbacca in Hanami
Cherry Blossom Festival parade next month!"
And that invigoration translated into a stunning hat-trick before
he remined us all again that Daizen is still Daizen by smashing the
crossbar into pieces from 3 yards out.
SUBS -
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7/10
He's fucking deadly. He's a natural born
killer. He's the Lisan al-Gaib (As it is written).
And he's far too humble.
I'm not. This fucking nonsense has gone
far enough. Play him, Rodgers, ya fucking
fraud.
Suck up some sushi and kowtow to quality.
Insist on servicing him at every opportunity
and don't let him wander out of opponents'
penalty areas upon pain of hari-kari.
Jesus Christ, the TITLE is right there in
his boots! For FUCK'S SAKE.
Was I clear about that?
NED KELLY - 6/10
Ooft, the kid nearly made another outlaw impact.
Showed for the ball, demanded it, got so close
to planting in a killer goal. The fact he was
raging at himself augurs well.
JAMESY - 7/10
He's back! In a flash!
The screams from around the dugout signalled
his imminent arrival as Jamesy 'changed' into
his strip. Jockstrap on last, girls...
Then he was on, and how! Instantly livened up
proceedings; here there and everywhere at pace
and with intent, showing the world exactly why
there's wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling mirrors
installed in every ladies' public bathrooms in
Prestwick.
Livi didn't have the luxury of reflection to
warn of a Jamesy rampage incoming - before they
knew it he was in behind them, and penetrating.
Yes, yes, I know...
This was vintage Jamesy in his swansong season.
Great impact : pace and nous that rattled a
disciplined and stoic backline; a nightmare for
them to handle - as always, ladies... - late in
proceedings and a major factor in us digging
out the win.
THE SHNAKE - 6/10
Saved by the Japanese. Ah, the irony. The same
men he's marginalised at times until given no
option, do the honourable thing and the only
thing they could do - a hat-trick, a ruthless
finish and a matchwinning assist.
It won't change anything because The Ego won't
let it. Despite the data, despite every bailout,
we won't get these Eastern exotic weapons utilised
the way we know they can be. And you know why.
So on we go persevering with Brendanball and
every opponent in the country has it sussed
and have lost their fear of the Celtic fireball
that scorched their earth the past two years.
Be careful what you wish(ed) for...
MIBBERY - 5/10
Well, another week, another gnashing of teeth as
the MIBs have us on the VAR hook every 5 minutes
or so.
Why Gollum doesn't explain they don't neeed it due
to the eyes in the back of his heid, I don't know,
But as the dubiety fell our way this afternoon and
the voice in his ear intoned, 'Ach, nah - it's fur
the fenians..." his twisted grimaces were almost
pleasurable to watch. Even if it also made me a
little sick in my mouth.
OVERALL - 5.5/10
"What an entertaining game of soccer," agreed the
cheery fans. A splendid way to spend Mother's Day
in the Glasgow drizzle, while over in Edinburgh it
was Motherfuckers' Day.
Thing is, nobody was saying that until the final
whistle. With 5 minutes to go it was damn grim.
Comfort had turned to struggle in that creepingly
inevitable way this season has plummeted from
previous highs.
As Narco Davey brought the cartel to town for one
last throw of the hand grenades, we expected...
Well, a stress-free passage to Hampden.
But nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, and what
transpired was a lesson in competitive dedication
from a bunch of jobbers doomed to relegation, bossed
by an indefatigable fella who dug himself out of a
hole and turned his life around, but who are all facing
the end of a great run lasting years. Like, they were
going down easy...
Disturbingly, without Calmac's onfield guidance and
motivation the psychological side of our game slips
too; not to mention the tempo and structure of
passages of play.
We don't blend and there's nobody, it seems, ready
to step into the bridge or into the breach when the
skipper's absent.
A similar story at the back as we appear as flimsy
as a Hun transfer exclusive in the Scottish media;
missing CCV means doors left open, confusion and
inadequate physical presence. My preferered option
is CCV and Rocky to take it to the season's end.
But today's already being glossed over, despite yet
another pretty narrow escape from disgrace. We're
through to the semis, but nobody was getting one
after witnessing that struggle.
Ladies, a full explanation of above quip will be
included below.*
So as the end of the year's first quarter approaches
there's been no post-festive trophy winning surges
to speak of. Sure, a stellar half or two, but that
only served to remind us what's achievable with a
certain style of play we've disregarded this season...
...Shutup, Brendanistas; you know you want to chirp
in there, but you know I'm dishing out truth soup.
You taking?
There's no doubt that to win anything this campaign
Celtic are going to need quite a shift in approach
to galvanise this squad and focus minds and boots
on relentless winning attacking football, rather than
the fractured and vulnerable tactical mess that has
taken too much of a grip.
Now clap your happy hands if you must, but this run-in
isn't going to be a cruise; more like trying to hitch a
Dune sandworm ride.
*No it won't.
Go Away Now
Sandman
"Power attracts pathological personalities. It is not that
power corrupts but that it is magnetic to the corruptible."
- Frank Herbert. "Dune" 'Book Three: Scottish Referees'.
ROXIE - 7/10
Big Joe and his big toe - that's why we're still in the
cup and your cat took off its crash helmet after the final
whistle.
Thank Ghod for the Man With The Retirement Plan - big
character, bigger saves. If anyone deserves a Hampden
silverware finale to his glittering career it's this
legend.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 5/10
Perhaps one of his most inconspicuous performances of
the season. Nary a run or involvement of note from a
player cut out for a game of this level where he can
get down and dirty with the type of limited footballing
gangsters he crawled his way up and out of.
WAYNE GRETZKY - 7/10
Battled his way through a terrific 90; just put the
head down and went at it whistle to whistle. Was
probably the most troubling throrn in their flank until
Jamesy appeared like retro GI Joe Jesus to torment.
Would have been a glorious strike for most likely the
winner had he not been foiled by fine 'keeping.
OF JUSTICE - 5.5/10
We need to talk about Liam - Mr.Consistent for months,
now a player screaming for a rest as staleness begins
to infest his game. Rolled, shaky, undecisive. Reboot
the ginger rebel Baresi!
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Such a lovely baller, is/was Raquel... But at times
not switched on enough nor robust enough to command
a defence. Strength and pace fazed him today; never
looked at ease, lucky to be on the winning side.
TONIO IWATAO - 6.5/10
Solid, thankfully, as problems ahead and particularly
behind had him scrambling over more ground than
normal. He's the perfect foil for the absent leader
with his DM awareness, and showed a more confident,
inventive side with a crucial role laying on Daizen's
third.
SAINT BERNARDO - 5.5/10
Struggling too, but not entirely of his making.
Being asked to fulfill the exact Corpus Christie
role Buck Rodgers had the posh bhoy play 7 or 8
years ago. Yes folks, the tactics are that old...
So the Benfica Hunbuster has to float between
sometimes non-existent lines searching for an
opening. A difficult mission; to his credit he
perseveres.
THE BUILDER - 6/10
Still awaiting the moment. Still awaiting the hero
inside to step up and dominate lesser opposition.
Again, he roved about but again he faded in and
out of a match made for his guile.
We saw plenty of class in bursts but he's capable
of bursting them at will.
TAKINTE - 6.5/10
"Somebody wake up the fucking German!"
And the shout reverberated around Lennoxtown and,
well, wide awake Khun we got.
Off-the-cuff performances by hitherto under-rated
players often pop up in cup games such as these.
Today was Nick The Naz... Nick The National Socialist's
moment to crane the necks of the support with some
startling sparky play which induced murmurrings of
approval and a nascent buzz of excitement about the
chilly stadium.
Almost written off as a dud, this was an encouraging
exhibition of ability in moments that mattered. Damn
the hamstring curse of this bedivelled season.
DUNCAN IDAHO - 4/10
Dune Part 2 is fucking spectacular. Probably the
finest cinematic experience of this century. He's
not in it. He was slain in the first one. Spoilers
there, sorry...
And our own swordmaster appeared to not be in today's
Parkheid production either. Stifled and swamped and
tangled up by their Middle-Earth Ents in central
defense, he had more trouble making contact with other
hooped shirts than Jodie Foster and intra-dimensional
civilisations pretending to be her Da... (See what I did
there 3 times in one player rating, sci-fi and fantasy
movie fans?).
Anyway, the big ghuy has maybe run out of games to
hold that number 9 position. Last week and today offer
no more than a big English Championship unit, with a
known, proven Eastern assassin waiting patiently in the
shadows.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 7.5/10 MOTM
Daizen is happy. Daizen has hair now. From cueball to fuzzball
and he's never smiled so much. Staring in that dressing room
mirror for an hour before the game firing himself up - 'Yes,
follicles grow! Yes, I believe! Yes, I can be Chewbacca in Hanami
Cherry Blossom Festival parade next month!"
And that invigoration translated into a stunning hat-trick before
he remined us all again that Daizen is still Daizen by smashing the
crossbar into pieces from 3 yards out.
SUBS -
KILLER MUSHROOM - 7/10
He's fucking deadly. He's a natural born
killer. He's the Lisan al-Gaib (As it is written).
And he's far too humble.
I'm not. This fucking nonsense has gone
far enough. Play him, Rodgers, ya fucking
fraud.
Suck up some sushi and kowtow to quality.
Insist on servicing him at every opportunity
and don't let him wander out of opponents'
penalty areas upon pain of hari-kari.
Jesus Christ, the TITLE is right there in
his boots! For FUCK'S SAKE.
Was I clear about that?
NED KELLY - 6/10
Ooft, the kid nearly made another outlaw impact.
Showed for the ball, demanded it, got so close
to planting in a killer goal. The fact he was
raging at himself augurs well.
JAMESY - 7/10
He's back! In a flash!
The screams from around the dugout signalled
his imminent arrival as Jamesy 'changed' into
his strip. Jockstrap on last, girls...
Then he was on, and how! Instantly livened up
proceedings; here there and everywhere at pace
and with intent, showing the world exactly why
there's wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling mirrors
installed in every ladies' public bathrooms in
Prestwick.
Livi didn't have the luxury of reflection to
warn of a Jamesy rampage incoming - before they
knew it he was in behind them, and penetrating.
Yes, yes, I know...
This was vintage Jamesy in his swansong season.
Great impact : pace and nous that rattled a
disciplined and stoic backline; a nightmare for
them to handle - as always, ladies... - late in
proceedings and a major factor in us digging
out the win.
THE SHNAKE - 6/10
Saved by the Japanese. Ah, the irony. The same
men he's marginalised at times until given no
option, do the honourable thing and the only
thing they could do - a hat-trick, a ruthless
finish and a matchwinning assist.
It won't change anything because The Ego won't
let it. Despite the data, despite every bailout,
we won't get these Eastern exotic weapons utilised
the way we know they can be. And you know why.
So on we go persevering with Brendanball and
every opponent in the country has it sussed
and have lost their fear of the Celtic fireball
that scorched their earth the past two years.
Be careful what you wish(ed) for...
MIBBERY - 5/10
Well, another week, another gnashing of teeth as
the MIBs have us on the VAR hook every 5 minutes
or so.
Why Gollum doesn't explain they don't neeed it due
to the eyes in the back of his heid, I don't know,
But as the dubiety fell our way this afternoon and
the voice in his ear intoned, 'Ach, nah - it's fur
the fenians..." his twisted grimaces were almost
pleasurable to watch. Even if it also made me a
little sick in my mouth.
OVERALL - 5.5/10
"What an entertaining game of soccer," agreed the
cheery fans. A splendid way to spend Mother's Day
in the Glasgow drizzle, while over in Edinburgh it
was Motherfuckers' Day.
Thing is, nobody was saying that until the final
whistle. With 5 minutes to go it was damn grim.
Comfort had turned to struggle in that creepingly
inevitable way this season has plummeted from
previous highs.
As Narco Davey brought the cartel to town for one
last throw of the hand grenades, we expected...
Well, a stress-free passage to Hampden.
But nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, and what
transpired was a lesson in competitive dedication
from a bunch of jobbers doomed to relegation, bossed
by an indefatigable fella who dug himself out of a
hole and turned his life around, but who are all facing
the end of a great run lasting years. Like, they were
going down easy...
Disturbingly, without Calmac's onfield guidance and
motivation the psychological side of our game slips
too; not to mention the tempo and structure of
passages of play.
We don't blend and there's nobody, it seems, ready
to step into the bridge or into the breach when the
skipper's absent.
A similar story at the back as we appear as flimsy
as a Hun transfer exclusive in the Scottish media;
missing CCV means doors left open, confusion and
inadequate physical presence. My preferered option
is CCV and Rocky to take it to the season's end.
But today's already being glossed over, despite yet
another pretty narrow escape from disgrace. We're
through to the semis, but nobody was getting one
after witnessing that struggle.
Ladies, a full explanation of above quip will be
included below.*
So as the end of the year's first quarter approaches
there's been no post-festive trophy winning surges
to speak of. Sure, a stellar half or two, but that
only served to remind us what's achievable with a
certain style of play we've disregarded this season...
...Shutup, Brendanistas; you know you want to chirp
in there, but you know I'm dishing out truth soup.
You taking?
There's no doubt that to win anything this campaign
Celtic are going to need quite a shift in approach
to galvanise this squad and focus minds and boots
on relentless winning attacking football, rather than
the fractured and vulnerable tactical mess that has
taken too much of a grip.
Now clap your happy hands if you must, but this run-in
isn't going to be a cruise; more like trying to hitch a
Dune sandworm ride.
*No it won't.
Go Away Now
Sandman
Slàinte
if only someone at Lennoxtown would listen
