Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v SOME MOTHERS DO HAVE 'EM
"In an alternative dimension last month, Emperor Romulus Hitler II,
descendant of beloved Fuhrer Adolf, died and saddened all the glorious
European and Asian Reich.
Except the vocal supporters of Celta Glasgow - the only soccer team
left in Scotia's righteous capital after the Govan Hunnites defected to
Berlin - who publically poured scorn and abuse en masse.
The media and high Reich command are rightly outraged by this disgusting
lack of respect for the deceased Emperor - after all, it has been such a
long time since the atrocities commited by his ancestors that you would
think right-mined people would have forgotten and forgiven such by
now..."
- From "The Man In The High Castle" by Philklip K. Dick.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Big Joe and the comedy pinball routine with their strikers
certainly livened up the second half after having a joke
played on him just before half-time by our wacky Croation.
Hardly a save but plenty of handling under pressure which was
executed with exemplary cool. Currently bellowing in Juran's
ear in the dressing room so he gets the message, "KEEEEEPEEEER'S!"
Which will also be sent as a ringtone.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
Nothing but tidy industry and concentrated effort, as we've
come to expect from the revelation of the season, despite the
distraction of the Bake-Off starting on telly soon. He was at
it until the death.
BIG MERCEDES - 8/10 MOTM
He wasted one ball all day. When your fulcrum in front - Calmac,
slow readers - is below par and low on energy, it is a big ask
to fill those boots.
We got the answer from a surprising source - and Jenz was
terrific in shifting the ball quickly and accurately to keep
Angeball functioning properly. He harnessed that sharp awareness
with physical wrangling of their burly forwards and really was
key to us getting the points.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Good grief, her glamorous hair must have gotten in her eyes at
half-time, because after a competent first half she became erratic
and wasteful, dwelling on the ball, failing to pick a clean pass,
and required cover from the already overworked Mercedes.
The Juranovic contaigon, they call it...
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
"Hey, Joe, check out my fake boobies, man!" he yelled, as the
ball was dropping from on high. He wasn't grinning seconds later
as Joe fell for it, appearing right beside him for a gawk, and
the ball trickled in off those chesticles.
Those crazy Balkan comedy routines, eh? All this minutes after
he'd rattled their bar with a sweet free-kick, and minutes before
he tried to make amends with a fine surging run and interaction
with Daizen.
Alongside the alternative humour, he tore at them dementedly all
second-half too and wasn't rewarded with any kind of break. Could
easily have been MOTM if it wasn't for that near-fatal spazzout.
As it is... Maniac.
CALMAC - 6/10
A captain goes down with his ship. And ours managed to haul a
Motherwell certain-goalscorer with him. Valiantly.
After the intense international week, my worries that he'd be
blunted were more or less correct. Although, even in his toil
he was still popping up so late in the game to retain possession
it was beyond admirable. He was probably hoping we'd be out of
sight and he'd have his feet up by then.
But Reo had other ideas and the skipper thankfully had a last
burst of energy to sacrifice himself for the cause. And give
Beaton an unexpected orgasm.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10
Young Rogic seemed marginally unable to find his
deft touch, almost repeating similar not-quite-there
games of recent times.
Always a floating threat, his confidence may have
been ravaged by the traitorous Kyogo, who stole a
fine goal off him in the style of McCoist/Boyd
by smacking it from an inch out when it was clearly
going in and would have resulted in an 18/1
O'Reilly-to-score-a-header bet coming up for deserving
supporters...
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
Currently learning the Japanese translation for,
"Ya fucking scone!"
Kamikaze became Calmacaze as Reo sold the kimonos with
Juran-esque flakery and almost dropped his own Little
Boy on our title ambitions.
Apart from metaphorically flying his Mitsibushi Zero
into USS Celtic, his overall game was a fine example
of football defeating ruggerball - he played round the
Motherwell hatchets and scorched in a deserved winner
to notch his first of the season.
Then he went all mental anime on us and ensured a
starting place for himself next week by dishonouring
his shogun. Summed up the mad game.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Incessant and troublesome - that's his shtick and for
the first 45 he was creating mayhem when we found the
right pass. After the break, they tightened up his side
and we fell off in intensity so Daizen was isolated and
starved of the right service.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
A thief in the night. Outrageous poaching bordering on
racism to deny our Danish starlet a headed opener and
needy dedicated fans free beer money. 18/1. Tenner. Fs.
Karmaic metaphysical laws then rained down upon
him as he missed a point-blank header and subsequent
one-on-one with the keeper.
Only a hat-trick against the Huns at 66/1 will make
up for this despicable performance that disgraced the
Hoops...
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
Since eviscerating The Abominables, he's failed to
conjour up any hits. Not for want of a first half of
invention and spark. But the finish wasn't there -
signalled in the opening minutes when he'd have
usually swept in an early strike. It's ebbs and flows
for the youngster - he'll click back into matchwinning
form soon enough.
SUBS -
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Spiced up our right and had them chasing shadows when
he appeared at pace and didn't let up. Could have scored,
could have set up a killer goal; fine impact.
MOOEY - N/A
Ambled on and cruised around with an air of quiet
determination in contrast to the nail-biting in the
stands.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 2/10
FFS, Eddie. Played like a man of his vintage -
deceased - and obviously forgot he'd been transferred
away from Motherwell seasons ago. We got terrible
old-school aimelss searching balls that continually
gifted possession and pinned back our ten.
Seemingly couldn't do damn thing right - or even
basically sensible - and you wonder how long Ange
will tolerate that sort of anti-Angeball.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Put in a good ten minutes, and looks keen; Too keen
when he refused to take the ball to the corner at
the death, despite the screaming 'advice' of many
thousands...
TWIST - N/A
Welcome to the party, big viking. You might
get a kick next week.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
The beauty and frailty of Angeball. It's secret and its
Achilles heel - Calmac. Angeball relies on the skipper
shifting the ball at speed, accurately from deep, turning
the opposing lines and facilitating our forward flood of
interweaving hooped blurs to bamboozle their zonal
defending strategies.
But enough tactical shit - Calmac was knackered and I
was concerned. We don't have a capable replacement but
today Big Mercedes took the laurel wreath and the pressure
off The Architect (roon ye, Abif...) by providing something
akin to a 75% Calmac function and keeping Angeball moving.
So the boss gets credit for his picks, his eye for a player.
Tricky call next week in Perth - will be interesting to see
what his fix will be. Consolidation or dynamism?
MIBBERY - 6.5/10
Already priapic from his lunchtime entertainment, Johnny
all but fainted as his wet dream came true and he got to
dismiss a Celtic captain.
Emboldened, he added to his already dubious tolerance of
thuggery by slapping on 5 minutes out of nowhere for our
ten mhen to hold.
Alas, despite many breathless urges to bewildered Motherwell
players to "Jist pit it in the fuckin' boax..." he didn't get
that elusive second and ultimate climax. Or as it's known to us
- 'The Raphael Borre Rhapsody'
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Phew. Three crucial points as the Hillbillies raped their
cousins at lunchtime - as is traditional - to warrant another
Xmas DVD release for their time at the top; 'The Hour Of
Glory Is Upon Us!"
We didn't look out of sorts - we appeared quite on it and
might have blitzed them away within the half hour. But a
majority fell off their game and the blow of a self-destructive
strike caused lag and a brief loss of belief.
Titles, though, are won by games like these. A few last season,
and always out of the ether when you expect a smooth ride.
Still, we got the job done and provided no little drama.
Quiet start to the month, eh? Fuck's sake...
Go Away Now
Sandman
"In an alternative dimension last month, Emperor Romulus Hitler II,
descendant of beloved Fuhrer Adolf, died and saddened all the glorious
European and Asian Reich.
Except the vocal supporters of Celta Glasgow - the only soccer team
left in Scotia's righteous capital after the Govan Hunnites defected to
Berlin - who publically poured scorn and abuse en masse.
The media and high Reich command are rightly outraged by this disgusting
lack of respect for the deceased Emperor - after all, it has been such a
long time since the atrocities commited by his ancestors that you would
think right-mined people would have forgotten and forgiven such by
now..."
- From "The Man In The High Castle" by Philklip K. Dick.
ROXIE - 6.5/10
Big Joe and the comedy pinball routine with their strikers
certainly livened up the second half after having a joke
played on him just before half-time by our wacky Croation.
Hardly a save but plenty of handling under pressure which was
executed with exemplary cool. Currently bellowing in Juran's
ear in the dressing room so he gets the message, "KEEEEEPEEEER'S!"
Which will also be sent as a ringtone.
GREGGS THE BAKER - 7/10
Nothing but tidy industry and concentrated effort, as we've
come to expect from the revelation of the season, despite the
distraction of the Bake-Off starting on telly soon. He was at
it until the death.
BIG MERCEDES - 8/10 MOTM
He wasted one ball all day. When your fulcrum in front - Calmac,
slow readers - is below par and low on energy, it is a big ask
to fill those boots.
We got the answer from a surprising source - and Jenz was
terrific in shifting the ball quickly and accurately to keep
Angeball functioning properly. He harnessed that sharp awareness
with physical wrangling of their burly forwards and really was
key to us getting the points.
RAQUEL - 5.5/10
Good grief, her glamorous hair must have gotten in her eyes at
half-time, because after a competent first half she became erratic
and wasteful, dwelling on the ball, failing to pick a clean pass,
and required cover from the already overworked Mercedes.
The Juranovic contaigon, they call it...
JURAN JURAN - 6/10
"Hey, Joe, check out my fake boobies, man!" he yelled, as the
ball was dropping from on high. He wasn't grinning seconds later
as Joe fell for it, appearing right beside him for a gawk, and
the ball trickled in off those chesticles.
Those crazy Balkan comedy routines, eh? All this minutes after
he'd rattled their bar with a sweet free-kick, and minutes before
he tried to make amends with a fine surging run and interaction
with Daizen.
Alongside the alternative humour, he tore at them dementedly all
second-half too and wasn't rewarded with any kind of break. Could
easily have been MOTM if it wasn't for that near-fatal spazzout.
As it is... Maniac.
CALMAC - 6/10
A captain goes down with his ship. And ours managed to haul a
Motherwell certain-goalscorer with him. Valiantly.
After the intense international week, my worries that he'd be
blunted were more or less correct. Although, even in his toil
he was still popping up so late in the game to retain possession
it was beyond admirable. He was probably hoping we'd be out of
sight and he'd have his feet up by then.
But Reo had other ideas and the skipper thankfully had a last
burst of energy to sacrifice himself for the cause. And give
Beaton an unexpected orgasm.
THE BUILDER - 5.5/10
Young Rogic seemed marginally unable to find his
deft touch, almost repeating similar not-quite-there
games of recent times.
Always a floating threat, his confidence may have
been ravaged by the traitorous Kyogo, who stole a
fine goal off him in the style of McCoist/Boyd
by smacking it from an inch out when it was clearly
going in and would have resulted in an 18/1
O'Reilly-to-score-a-header bet coming up for deserving
supporters...
HAKUNA HATATE - 7/10
Currently learning the Japanese translation for,
"Ya fucking scone!"
Kamikaze became Calmacaze as Reo sold the kimonos with
Juran-esque flakery and almost dropped his own Little
Boy on our title ambitions.
Apart from metaphorically flying his Mitsibushi Zero
into USS Celtic, his overall game was a fine example
of football defeating ruggerball - he played round the
Motherwell hatchets and scorched in a deserved winner
to notch his first of the season.
Then he went all mental anime on us and ensured a
starting place for himself next week by dishonouring
his shogun. Summed up the mad game.
LORD KATSUMOTO - 6/10
Incessant and troublesome - that's his shtick and for
the first 45 he was creating mayhem when we found the
right pass. After the break, they tightened up his side
and we fell off in intensity so Daizen was isolated and
starved of the right service.
MR.KOBAYASHI - 6/10
A thief in the night. Outrageous poaching bordering on
racism to deny our Danish starlet a headed opener and
needy dedicated fans free beer money. 18/1. Tenner. Fs.
Karmaic metaphysical laws then rained down upon
him as he missed a point-blank header and subsequent
one-on-one with the keeper.
Only a hat-trick against the Huns at 66/1 will make
up for this despicable performance that disgraced the
Hoops...
NOTEBOOK - 6/10
Since eviscerating The Abominables, he's failed to
conjour up any hits. Not for want of a first half of
invention and spark. But the finish wasn't there -
signalled in the opening minutes when he'd have
usually swept in an early strike. It's ebbs and flows
for the youngster - he'll click back into matchwinning
form soon enough.
SUBS -
ABADASS - 6.5/10
Spiced up our right and had them chasing shadows when
he appeared at pace and didn't let up. Could have scored,
could have set up a killer goal; fine impact.
MOOEY - N/A
Ambled on and cruised around with an air of quiet
determination in contrast to the nail-biting in the
stands.
EDDIE TURNBULL - 2/10
FFS, Eddie. Played like a man of his vintage -
deceased - and obviously forgot he'd been transferred
away from Motherwell seasons ago. We got terrible
old-school aimelss searching balls that continually
gifted possession and pinned back our ten.
Seemingly couldn't do damn thing right - or even
basically sensible - and you wonder how long Ange
will tolerate that sort of anti-Angeball.
HACKY SACK - N/A
Put in a good ten minutes, and looks keen; Too keen
when he refused to take the ball to the corner at
the death, despite the screaming 'advice' of many
thousands...
TWIST - N/A
Welcome to the party, big viking. You might
get a kick next week.
ANITA DOBSON - 7/10
The beauty and frailty of Angeball. It's secret and its
Achilles heel - Calmac. Angeball relies on the skipper
shifting the ball at speed, accurately from deep, turning
the opposing lines and facilitating our forward flood of
interweaving hooped blurs to bamboozle their zonal
defending strategies.
But enough tactical shit - Calmac was knackered and I
was concerned. We don't have a capable replacement but
today Big Mercedes took the laurel wreath and the pressure
off The Architect (roon ye, Abif...) by providing something
akin to a 75% Calmac function and keeping Angeball moving.
So the boss gets credit for his picks, his eye for a player.
Tricky call next week in Perth - will be interesting to see
what his fix will be. Consolidation or dynamism?
MIBBERY - 6.5/10
Already priapic from his lunchtime entertainment, Johnny
all but fainted as his wet dream came true and he got to
dismiss a Celtic captain.
Emboldened, he added to his already dubious tolerance of
thuggery by slapping on 5 minutes out of nowhere for our
ten mhen to hold.
Alas, despite many breathless urges to bewildered Motherwell
players to "Jist pit it in the fuckin' boax..." he didn't get
that elusive second and ultimate climax. Or as it's known to us
- 'The Raphael Borre Rhapsody'
OVERALL - 6.5/10
Phew. Three crucial points as the Hillbillies raped their
cousins at lunchtime - as is traditional - to warrant another
Xmas DVD release for their time at the top; 'The Hour Of
Glory Is Upon Us!"
We didn't look out of sorts - we appeared quite on it and
might have blitzed them away within the half hour. But a
majority fell off their game and the blow of a self-destructive
strike caused lag and a brief loss of belief.
Titles, though, are won by games like these. A few last season,
and always out of the ether when you expect a smooth ride.
Still, we got the job done and provided no little drama.
Quiet start to the month, eh? Fuck's sake...
Go Away Now
Sandman
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