Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ St.BOOOOOOO!
"Broony's going to need a bigger boat..."
Martin Brody, Chief of Police, Amity Island
"Here lies the body of Mary Lee. Died at the
age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years
she kept here virginity. Not a bad record for
this vicinity."
Quint, on Paisley.
"Don't blame it on the Hun shite,
Don't blame it on the Rangers Lite,
Don't blame it on the Scouse acrobat,
Blame it on the Broony
They just can't
They just can't
They just can't, take the heat
They just rant,
They just rant
They just rant, and their tears are sweet
Hun shite
Rangers Lite
Acrobat
Broony. "
Blame It On The Broony, The Keith Jackson Level 5
BANE - 8/10
Missing from the team bus for an hour as he took a
diversion to engage in mortal combat with the
rampaging hordes of Feegie, the maniac in the mask
made it back in time to take his place in goal.
And froze his baws aff.
But... Yet again, when called upon he's sharp like
his predecessor - marvellous fingertip save from a
deceptive belter of a shot that was bending like a
Halliday (Yup, denizens of Bennet's bathrooms...)
inside the post.
LUSTIG - 7/10
He's mad and mental and still a reliable stalwart.
Did not expect to see him reprise his right-back role
after Sunday's exhaustive outing but there he was,
tossing in crosses, digging out clearances, setting up
our first.
Finally, it appeared the strees took its toll physically
and he hobbled off.
He's finished. Aye, right ye are...
JOZO - 7/10
Wonderfully applied the rules of the Balkan war Gulags
to prevent a troublesome breakaway late on; a punishing
takedown of a diminutive but feisty St.Midden forward
looking to capitalise on a clearance - 'You die before
the situation arises, not when.'
Took a yellow for it, but in Jozo's culture a yellow is
the staple of a warrior caste to be worn with pride, like
parading an opponents head on a stick, something he's
planning for Mordor after the split.
Looks to be approaching a capable level of fitness and
committment again. Anyone see him joining in the after-match
Hunskelping on Sunday? Big lad's committed to Celtic.
Show him some love, we get an accomplished defender to
partner big Kris.
AJER - 8/10
Fresh from his appointment of Praetorian Guard to the
New Emperor-Ghod of Sweden - Mad King Lustig - young titan
Kris took his mighty stride into the shadowlands of
Renfrewshire and continued where he left off battering Huns.
Nearly scored early on - very unlucky as he showed grace with
his footwork beyond normal assumptions placed on a centre-back.
Took an elbow in the face from a naughty Fuddie. He will have
his revenge, in this life or the next.
Another solid, uncompromising display from a future Celtic
captain.
IZZY - 6.5/10
There is a land beyond the pale whenre the dragons lay eggs
in day-glo caves by the shore and they hatch into beautiful
creatures of Paisley-patterned hides who then spread their
Paisley-patterened wings. And Izzy loves to wander the pitch
of Paisley smacked off his tits on Paisley-patterned Mary
Jane watching them flutter upon the ball and lift his crosses
into the crowds and often carry his passes away off their
intended target towards the Paisley-patterend goblins lurking
in the mists in the penumbra at the edges of his vision.
And then, mostly, he held it together. Ably deputising for
superhero KT without too much drama, just lacking the final-ball
quality we needed to finish them earlier.
BROON - 8.5/10 MOTM
Free to play after Celtic appealed his suspension
for killing off the dinosaurs and initiating both
the third ice age and the Berkeley riots of 1969.
Captain Marvel climbed aboard party ship Celtic
and sailed towards the Eight.
Again, the collossus in the middle, excited opponents
bouncing off him, the ball snapped, shifted and cossetted
when required.
His consistency of performance is now truly
remarkable in Celtic's history - you may think you know
how he plays, you may think you know how to play him...
Well? Why can't you stop him?
Exactly. Boo bhoys take note - you cannot see what is in
front of your faces. The skipper has dimensions unseen, a
terrifyingly focussed psyche, a marvellously attuned positional
awareness.
BUT... Da-da-daaaaaa...!
The 'BT sport ref' delivers the Hun moment. Brilliantly.
To keep the tears flowing. Broon 'stamped' on a diddy.
Did he? Diddy?
"Aye, he did!" Naw, get a grip. A laughable tumble over
an opponent rolling at his feet, Broon himself carried by
momentum.
I will categorically confirm there was no malice or stamping
from the Celtic skipper, dear handwringers.
How would I know?
The boy got back up, that's why.
But hey, let's have the 'BT ref' lead the Huns in a
popcorn-worthy greetfest. Mine's toffee-flavoured.
SAM JACKSON - 5/10
Hunskelpin' Muthufucka returns to the scene of his
ignominious decline last September.
And.. Muthufucka! Mu-thu-fuckA!
The ju-ju jinx is upon the righteous in that squalid
pit of dark voodoo. The penalty save, the rebound deflection,
the muthufuckin' bad luck of this bad bhoy is a Paisley
mystery for the ages.
Opened well but lost his muthufuckin' mojo after that chance
to bury the muthufuckin' game.
Subbed like a muthufucka.
CALMAC - 6/10
Another quiet one for the Quiet One. Waited upon a dynamic
contribution but he floated like a butterfly with all the
sting too.
Metronomed his way across the midfield lines but lacked
the sharp, incisive passing we've come to expect this season
in particular. He can't do it every time, perhaps a chance
for a rest and big Rogic to fill in.
FORREST - 5.5/10
All flashed out? Apparently. Despite leaving the Prestwick
glass collectors with faces like glazed donuts on Sunday night,
Jamesy had enough energy reserves to mount a fresh assualt on
a paisley eleven content to park the bus and let him run at them
all game.
But, like Calmac, he too appeared a bit stale and was probably
lucky to stay on for the 90 becasue notihng he tried came off
against their frustrating defensive block.
WEAH - 7/10
Go USA! Libertarian Liberain-American assassin!
The bolt of black lightning that is Timo weah glided
around the Paisley midden with such grace the locals
thought he was on a hoverboard from Back To The Future 2.
Though space was limited by their backs-to-the-wall
approach, the kid found space enough and at crucial times
to get the vital opener, pouncing on Mick's deflected effort
to score a non-goal. Or was it? Or was IT?
Looked to cramp up or pick up an injury second-half but he
did enough in annoying circumstances - little room to manoeuvre
past their lines - to help us get the win.
BURKE - 5/10
Reined in from barnstorming the Huns due to the unfolding
injury crisis during the match, the big battering ram was rolled
out to blitz the Fuddies.
But he needs that touch worked on big-time. His physique got him
the telling positions, his pace the edge but his guile cost him glory.
One great save from the keeper to thwart him but he was a cumbersome
presence more than the rapier presence we required.
SUBS -
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 8/10
Raised form the dead before Easter Sunday to save the day and start
the party - looked keen and lively and provided more relief than an
Amsterdam shop-window offer with that decisive goal.
A bhoy reborn this season who has now taken two injury layoffs in his
stride and come back guns blazing. Excellent.
FRENCH EDDY - 7/10
Great feet in his cameo - exciting star quality we must nurture and
provide support to. Already a Hunskelper extraordinaire, this kid needs
a striking partner of Moussa stature to let him rampage freely.
I believe Lenny would go with two up front if he's given the job and
provided with the necessary manpower. Get to it, Pistol Pete.
BENNY KOVIC - 6/10
Case solved - Huggy Bear spilled the beans on the BRexit and the
suspect's going to rope Benny Kovic back to the insipid realms of
Leicestershire unless Kojak can stop the heist.
Meantime he's there for us to use as cover and he's got the quality
to do so without causing 'a Dedryck'.
LENNY - 8/10
Tough call to set heids back in the groove after Sunday's skelpfest.
Tough call to maintain a consistent selection but fill injured spots
and inject fresh energy.
Tough call to go into a scrapyard for a scrap with relegation fodder.
But he called it and he got through. Another no-win situation for NFL
in a similar vein to Dundee and the Minis - win or bust.
He won, again. And again, it could have been more comfortable, less tense.
Again - no fault of his.
Nearly there. Nearly adding to his legendary status again.
OVERALL - 7/10
Night of the Long Loanees. Or short ones; Their chance
to notably contribute to the title records.
One did, one failed. That one was enough. We knew what it would be like
and we got the job done. But for Sam Jackson's muthufucked-up penalty,
it would have been a slaughter. Instead, they gained hope, had a go.
Like Sunday, it was an experience of two halves for Celtic - dominant
but kept within range in the first, then as energy levels fell, a few hazardous
moments in the second.
With news coming in early on of Grown-Up Sex-Pest Harry Potter's side's
usual capitulation agianst their 'Big team' at the Hate Factory, we knew
a win to grasp the title closer was a must. We got it. We didn't gild it,
but history shows yet another win - 13 out of 14, ot is it 14 out of 15
since the split?
I didn't even search to confirm it - that's how good this Celtic team have
been this year: so fine you can't even keep up; can you, Huns?
Two more until the EIGHT. Ghod bless us one and all.
Sandman
"Broony's going to need a bigger boat..."
Martin Brody, Chief of Police, Amity Island
"Here lies the body of Mary Lee. Died at the
age of a hundred and three. For fifteen years
she kept here virginity. Not a bad record for
this vicinity."
Quint, on Paisley.
"Don't blame it on the Hun shite,
Don't blame it on the Rangers Lite,
Don't blame it on the Scouse acrobat,
Blame it on the Broony
They just can't
They just can't
They just can't, take the heat
They just rant,
They just rant
They just rant, and their tears are sweet
Hun shite
Rangers Lite
Acrobat
Broony. "
Blame It On The Broony, The Keith Jackson Level 5
BANE - 8/10
Missing from the team bus for an hour as he took a
diversion to engage in mortal combat with the
rampaging hordes of Feegie, the maniac in the mask
made it back in time to take his place in goal.
And froze his baws aff.
But... Yet again, when called upon he's sharp like
his predecessor - marvellous fingertip save from a
deceptive belter of a shot that was bending like a
Halliday (Yup, denizens of Bennet's bathrooms...)
inside the post.
LUSTIG - 7/10
He's mad and mental and still a reliable stalwart.
Did not expect to see him reprise his right-back role
after Sunday's exhaustive outing but there he was,
tossing in crosses, digging out clearances, setting up
our first.
Finally, it appeared the strees took its toll physically
and he hobbled off.
He's finished. Aye, right ye are...
JOZO - 7/10
Wonderfully applied the rules of the Balkan war Gulags
to prevent a troublesome breakaway late on; a punishing
takedown of a diminutive but feisty St.Midden forward
looking to capitalise on a clearance - 'You die before
the situation arises, not when.'
Took a yellow for it, but in Jozo's culture a yellow is
the staple of a warrior caste to be worn with pride, like
parading an opponents head on a stick, something he's
planning for Mordor after the split.
Looks to be approaching a capable level of fitness and
committment again. Anyone see him joining in the after-match
Hunskelping on Sunday? Big lad's committed to Celtic.
Show him some love, we get an accomplished defender to
partner big Kris.
AJER - 8/10
Fresh from his appointment of Praetorian Guard to the
New Emperor-Ghod of Sweden - Mad King Lustig - young titan
Kris took his mighty stride into the shadowlands of
Renfrewshire and continued where he left off battering Huns.
Nearly scored early on - very unlucky as he showed grace with
his footwork beyond normal assumptions placed on a centre-back.
Took an elbow in the face from a naughty Fuddie. He will have
his revenge, in this life or the next.
Another solid, uncompromising display from a future Celtic
captain.
IZZY - 6.5/10
There is a land beyond the pale whenre the dragons lay eggs
in day-glo caves by the shore and they hatch into beautiful
creatures of Paisley-patterned hides who then spread their
Paisley-patterened wings. And Izzy loves to wander the pitch
of Paisley smacked off his tits on Paisley-patterned Mary
Jane watching them flutter upon the ball and lift his crosses
into the crowds and often carry his passes away off their
intended target towards the Paisley-patterend goblins lurking
in the mists in the penumbra at the edges of his vision.
And then, mostly, he held it together. Ably deputising for
superhero KT without too much drama, just lacking the final-ball
quality we needed to finish them earlier.
BROON - 8.5/10 MOTM
Free to play after Celtic appealed his suspension
for killing off the dinosaurs and initiating both
the third ice age and the Berkeley riots of 1969.
Captain Marvel climbed aboard party ship Celtic
and sailed towards the Eight.
Again, the collossus in the middle, excited opponents
bouncing off him, the ball snapped, shifted and cossetted
when required.
His consistency of performance is now truly
remarkable in Celtic's history - you may think you know
how he plays, you may think you know how to play him...
Well? Why can't you stop him?
Exactly. Boo bhoys take note - you cannot see what is in
front of your faces. The skipper has dimensions unseen, a
terrifyingly focussed psyche, a marvellously attuned positional
awareness.
BUT... Da-da-daaaaaa...!
The 'BT sport ref' delivers the Hun moment. Brilliantly.
To keep the tears flowing. Broon 'stamped' on a diddy.
Did he? Diddy?
"Aye, he did!" Naw, get a grip. A laughable tumble over
an opponent rolling at his feet, Broon himself carried by
momentum.
I will categorically confirm there was no malice or stamping
from the Celtic skipper, dear handwringers.
How would I know?
The boy got back up, that's why.
But hey, let's have the 'BT ref' lead the Huns in a
popcorn-worthy greetfest. Mine's toffee-flavoured.
SAM JACKSON - 5/10
Hunskelpin' Muthufucka returns to the scene of his
ignominious decline last September.
And.. Muthufucka! Mu-thu-fuckA!
The ju-ju jinx is upon the righteous in that squalid
pit of dark voodoo. The penalty save, the rebound deflection,
the muthufuckin' bad luck of this bad bhoy is a Paisley
mystery for the ages.
Opened well but lost his muthufuckin' mojo after that chance
to bury the muthufuckin' game.
Subbed like a muthufucka.
CALMAC - 6/10
Another quiet one for the Quiet One. Waited upon a dynamic
contribution but he floated like a butterfly with all the
sting too.
Metronomed his way across the midfield lines but lacked
the sharp, incisive passing we've come to expect this season
in particular. He can't do it every time, perhaps a chance
for a rest and big Rogic to fill in.
FORREST - 5.5/10
All flashed out? Apparently. Despite leaving the Prestwick
glass collectors with faces like glazed donuts on Sunday night,
Jamesy had enough energy reserves to mount a fresh assualt on
a paisley eleven content to park the bus and let him run at them
all game.
But, like Calmac, he too appeared a bit stale and was probably
lucky to stay on for the 90 becasue notihng he tried came off
against their frustrating defensive block.
WEAH - 7/10
Go USA! Libertarian Liberain-American assassin!
The bolt of black lightning that is Timo weah glided
around the Paisley midden with such grace the locals
thought he was on a hoverboard from Back To The Future 2.
Though space was limited by their backs-to-the-wall
approach, the kid found space enough and at crucial times
to get the vital opener, pouncing on Mick's deflected effort
to score a non-goal. Or was it? Or was IT?
Looked to cramp up or pick up an injury second-half but he
did enough in annoying circumstances - little room to manoeuvre
past their lines - to help us get the win.
BURKE - 5/10
Reined in from barnstorming the Huns due to the unfolding
injury crisis during the match, the big battering ram was rolled
out to blitz the Fuddies.
But he needs that touch worked on big-time. His physique got him
the telling positions, his pace the edge but his guile cost him glory.
One great save from the keeper to thwart him but he was a cumbersome
presence more than the rapier presence we required.
SUBS -
CORPUS CHRISTIE - 8/10
Raised form the dead before Easter Sunday to save the day and start
the party - looked keen and lively and provided more relief than an
Amsterdam shop-window offer with that decisive goal.
A bhoy reborn this season who has now taken two injury layoffs in his
stride and come back guns blazing. Excellent.
FRENCH EDDY - 7/10
Great feet in his cameo - exciting star quality we must nurture and
provide support to. Already a Hunskelper extraordinaire, this kid needs
a striking partner of Moussa stature to let him rampage freely.
I believe Lenny would go with two up front if he's given the job and
provided with the necessary manpower. Get to it, Pistol Pete.
BENNY KOVIC - 6/10
Case solved - Huggy Bear spilled the beans on the BRexit and the
suspect's going to rope Benny Kovic back to the insipid realms of
Leicestershire unless Kojak can stop the heist.
Meantime he's there for us to use as cover and he's got the quality
to do so without causing 'a Dedryck'.
LENNY - 8/10
Tough call to set heids back in the groove after Sunday's skelpfest.
Tough call to maintain a consistent selection but fill injured spots
and inject fresh energy.
Tough call to go into a scrapyard for a scrap with relegation fodder.
But he called it and he got through. Another no-win situation for NFL
in a similar vein to Dundee and the Minis - win or bust.
He won, again. And again, it could have been more comfortable, less tense.
Again - no fault of his.
Nearly there. Nearly adding to his legendary status again.
OVERALL - 7/10
Night of the Long Loanees. Or short ones; Their chance
to notably contribute to the title records.
One did, one failed. That one was enough. We knew what it would be like
and we got the job done. But for Sam Jackson's muthufucked-up penalty,
it would have been a slaughter. Instead, they gained hope, had a go.
Like Sunday, it was an experience of two halves for Celtic - dominant
but kept within range in the first, then as energy levels fell, a few hazardous
moments in the second.
With news coming in early on of Grown-Up Sex-Pest Harry Potter's side's
usual capitulation agianst their 'Big team' at the Hate Factory, we knew
a win to grasp the title closer was a must. We got it. We didn't gild it,
but history shows yet another win - 13 out of 14, ot is it 14 out of 15
since the split?
I didn't even search to confirm it - that's how good this Celtic team have
been this year: so fine you can't even keep up; can you, Huns?
Two more until the EIGHT. Ghod bless us one and all.
Sandman
