Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS - CELTIC @ BEGBIES XI Scottish Cup Quarter Final
"Some attach the term 'surreal' to the ratings of the Sand Man. I object.
His epithets are but anthropomorphic fish toast viewed through the prism
of asexual reproduction as a soccer ball births a green-hued coyote
with eight webbed fingers. In short, Galaxians trumps suntanned potato."
Salvador Dali
"Conflicted is an emotion your commentator experiences only in the grip of
herbal anxiety about whether to shag dirty Jenny the waitress again to relieve
the stress of a cappucino-induced bout of scheming as I cast an eye ower the
wee Dempster floozy dismantlin' the Hibees hopes and dreams.
Word is she's of the comfortable-shoe variety, but there's nowt a Leith lezzer
than can outlick ol' Simon de Gash when his silver tongue's got a taste of the
silver coin, an' I suspect wee Leeane's got a furry pouch full of moolah to
lavish upon this suave Italian game-changer..."
Sick Boy.
"One Neily Lenon, there's only one Neily Lennon..Lennon...Lennon, ya durty
weegie bast...one Neily Lennon, only one...Durty weegie b...Lenny...Aw fucksake,
man, Ah'm confused as a junkie at herbal remedies fair, likesay..."
Spud
'Brendan! You up yet? There's a man at the door. Says he's from an organisation.
R-A...something.'
- "I'll be down in a minute. He'll be here to fix the car, darlin'. Ask him if it's R-A-C."
'He says, no - just 'the RA'...'
- "Uh-oh..."
'The Fruadgers' sitcom, coming soon on BrassNeckflix.
BANE - 7/10 Almost N/A
Mini's blunder blamed on distraction through vengeful Snakeman (©Sandman) thoughts.
Again back in salt 'n' sauce land he was still in retention of the jersey and remarkably,
given the winds, rain, and contested nature of the match, had - as described by 'Little
Women' author, Louisa May Alcott, - 'fuck all to do'.
LUSTIG - 8.5/10
'His legs have gone!' 'I much prefer Toejam because he makes me feel so much more
politically correct, other than cheering on a psycopathic Swede who resembles any
number of the Hitler Youth you'll see frequently in 'Yesterday' Channel Nazi documentaries...
And in he came, just to prove how invaluable his experience is, and how able our new
manager is to pick a team to suit conditions, you whiny green-hun bastards...
Excellent shift from the Scandanavian wildebeest - utterly solid in the tackle and
utterly commanding as he prompted all around him when the heat was on; watch
and see.
He was, as my wife is want to sigh after a swingers party, just what we needed.
Haha- I'm only kidding; I know nothing of the parties my missus frequents every
weekend...
KT - 7/10
Rough around the edges, but getting there. Some dynamic action, some disappointing
end-product, but our superstar and future captain is back and fit for battle. he needed
all of his energy reserves to get through today.
BOYATA - 8/10
He's still fucking here but he's still fucking producing. As much as I like a good sweary
about our Costa-del-Sol-cornrowed rebel, he is exhibiting totla professionalism and giving
his all for the cause. A day like today was made for Downfall Dedryck but we got Determined
Dedryck who earned his extra piece of coookie in the footballers-without-a-grip-on-reality
Petted-lip Tuckaway Contest.
AJER - 7.5/10
Great Sunday League defending from the big bhoy in Sunday League conditions that
levelled-out the sides. Made some telling plays (like that NFL fanboys?). He still exhibits a
little too much nicety for my liking - appears to engage magnanimously in conversation with
opponents when it's obvious they're cheating/sleekit bastards; hi there, Kamberi.
Eventually big Kris will have the decency excoriated out of him by the corrupt Scottish
Football establishment and I look forward to a murderous blonde Aryan berserker taking
no prisoners; be careful what you wish for, Huns in officialdom.
BITTON - 7.5/10
He's such a good footballer. Did you know we're down ALL our first-choice creatives?
Did you notice? The big man is neat, tidy and now pretty clinical; fitness levels neraring
peak - bursting through in the dying minutes, and performing such a complimentary role
it freed up Broon - again - to strike.
Like young Corpus Christie's emergence early in the season, Nir gives us another late-season
dimension toease the pressure.
FORREST - 8/10
BAM! Out of nothing. Dalglish-esque wriggling trickery to make the space and a finish that
screamed top-corner or get off the fucking bus. He struggled first-half with the state of things
but came roaring into it after the break and that goal was VITAL in the course of the season.
A stunner!
"In yer face!" hollered Jamesy to the masses behind the goal as he took the adulation and
banged his chest. Right now in Prestwick bars they're issuing goggles to young burds afraid
of pinkyeye...
There's a Part 2 here as well, just for you... Look around...
"Some attach the term 'surreal' to the ratings of the Sand Man. I object.
His epithets are but anthropomorphic fish toast viewed through the prism
of asexual reproduction as a soccer ball births a green-hued coyote
with eight webbed fingers. In short, Galaxians trumps suntanned potato."
Salvador Dali
"Conflicted is an emotion your commentator experiences only in the grip of
herbal anxiety about whether to shag dirty Jenny the waitress again to relieve
the stress of a cappucino-induced bout of scheming as I cast an eye ower the
wee Dempster floozy dismantlin' the Hibees hopes and dreams.
Word is she's of the comfortable-shoe variety, but there's nowt a Leith lezzer
than can outlick ol' Simon de Gash when his silver tongue's got a taste of the
silver coin, an' I suspect wee Leeane's got a furry pouch full of moolah to
lavish upon this suave Italian game-changer..."
Sick Boy.
"One Neily Lenon, there's only one Neily Lennon..Lennon...Lennon, ya durty
weegie bast...one Neily Lennon, only one...Durty weegie b...Lenny...Aw fucksake,
man, Ah'm confused as a junkie at herbal remedies fair, likesay..."
Spud
'Brendan! You up yet? There's a man at the door. Says he's from an organisation.
R-A...something.'
- "I'll be down in a minute. He'll be here to fix the car, darlin'. Ask him if it's R-A-C."
'He says, no - just 'the RA'...'
- "Uh-oh..."
'The Fruadgers' sitcom, coming soon on BrassNeckflix.
BANE - 7/10 Almost N/A
Mini's blunder blamed on distraction through vengeful Snakeman (©Sandman) thoughts.
Again back in salt 'n' sauce land he was still in retention of the jersey and remarkably,
given the winds, rain, and contested nature of the match, had - as described by 'Little
Women' author, Louisa May Alcott, - 'fuck all to do'.
LUSTIG - 8.5/10
'His legs have gone!' 'I much prefer Toejam because he makes me feel so much more
politically correct, other than cheering on a psycopathic Swede who resembles any
number of the Hitler Youth you'll see frequently in 'Yesterday' Channel Nazi documentaries...
And in he came, just to prove how invaluable his experience is, and how able our new
manager is to pick a team to suit conditions, you whiny green-hun bastards...
Excellent shift from the Scandanavian wildebeest - utterly solid in the tackle and
utterly commanding as he prompted all around him when the heat was on; watch
and see.
He was, as my wife is want to sigh after a swingers party, just what we needed.
Haha- I'm only kidding; I know nothing of the parties my missus frequents every
weekend...
KT - 7/10
Rough around the edges, but getting there. Some dynamic action, some disappointing
end-product, but our superstar and future captain is back and fit for battle. he needed
all of his energy reserves to get through today.
BOYATA - 8/10
He's still fucking here but he's still fucking producing. As much as I like a good sweary
about our Costa-del-Sol-cornrowed rebel, he is exhibiting totla professionalism and giving
his all for the cause. A day like today was made for Downfall Dedryck but we got Determined
Dedryck who earned his extra piece of coookie in the footballers-without-a-grip-on-reality
Petted-lip Tuckaway Contest.
AJER - 7.5/10
Great Sunday League defending from the big bhoy in Sunday League conditions that
levelled-out the sides. Made some telling plays (like that NFL fanboys?). He still exhibits a
little too much nicety for my liking - appears to engage magnanimously in conversation with
opponents when it's obvious they're cheating/sleekit bastards; hi there, Kamberi.
Eventually big Kris will have the decency excoriated out of him by the corrupt Scottish
Football establishment and I look forward to a murderous blonde Aryan berserker taking
no prisoners; be careful what you wish for, Huns in officialdom.
BITTON - 7.5/10
He's such a good footballer. Did you know we're down ALL our first-choice creatives?
Did you notice? The big man is neat, tidy and now pretty clinical; fitness levels neraring
peak - bursting through in the dying minutes, and performing such a complimentary role
it freed up Broon - again - to strike.
Like young Corpus Christie's emergence early in the season, Nir gives us another late-season
dimension toease the pressure.
FORREST - 8/10
BAM! Out of nothing. Dalglish-esque wriggling trickery to make the space and a finish that
screamed top-corner or get off the fucking bus. He struggled first-half with the state of things
but came roaring into it after the break and that goal was VITAL in the course of the season.
A stunner!
"In yer face!" hollered Jamesy to the masses behind the goal as he took the adulation and
banged his chest. Right now in Prestwick bars they're issuing goggles to young burds afraid
of pinkyeye...
There's a Part 2 here as well, just for you... Look around...
